Forgiveness, I am learning, is much more than the extension of an olive branch. Forgiveness is a lifestyle which has the potential to bring true peace, pure healing, and much joy to the lives of those willing to partake. The process of living a life of forgiveness may be made by taking two major steps:
First, it begins with the allowance of our own humanity and all its imperfections.
Second, with the acknowledgement that all aspects of life “are exactly as they should be”. Buddha
In the hopes of integrating a forgiveness lifestyle, I embarked on a 5-day diet of forgiveness, which consisted of a menu of total acceptance and the elimination of all harsh and critical judgements. Since most of us are socialized to strive for perfection and aim to control our destiny, incorporating these concepts into actual practice was easier said than done. I have never wanted to quit any diet, cleanse, or detox, no matter the level of difficulty. Yet, five days of being on the forgiveness diet was a challenge like none other. By the middle of the first day, I was ready to throw in the towel.
I questioned the sanity of anyone attempting to live in this way. I mean, how does someone welcome sitting in bumper to bumper traffic on the I405, or condone the stampede of boarding an aeroplane, or surrender to the pat-down of a TSA agent. Worst of all, how does one drive through homeless encampments and feel peace? I cried the first night and concluded by the night’s end, that if I were to continue, I would have to stop distinguishing situations as either good or bad. I must try to view the circumstances as they are, without any labels. I do not need to love or hate them; or find beauty in them, but I must acknowledge them “as is”.
By day two, I was overwhelmed with the sheer number of judgements I held for myself and others. The harshest critique was reserved for myself and those I love. This criterion was steeped in high moral and ethical standards. Next, there were expectations on how things ought to be and an overall ranking system. These all seemed to be functioning in order to protect against making mistakes, and for the purposes of safety and efficiency.
But, the most perplexing layer of discernment was the process of deciding who and what to invest time and attention. Those specifications, even though they were wrapped in positivity were rather critical. While mulling over all the findings, I was in shock and sorrow. However, I was not able to judge myself while on this diet. This was truly an exercise of extreme tolerance, which brought a profound revelation. I am human. An aha moment, alas. Finally, I was able to accept myself as limited and flawed, without the association of shame or guilt.
On the third day, I started to reap the benefits of the diet. I went out into the world, which happened to be New York City, with an open heart and a dose of humility. I was approached often by many people that I may have feared two days ago. I sat with family and heard their stories like I never heard them before. Strangers were kinder and people overall seemed more vulnerable than I had ever experienced. My self-acceptance was translating and I had now become less judgmental of others, as well.
Day Four was comprised of cheating and setbacks, in other words, being caught red-handed over and over in judgmental thought. Then, just when I felt it may not even be possible to fully live in this manner another day, I opened the door of a taxi the precise moment a man delivering food on a bike was passing. It was a near miss and my heart sank as he wobbled back and forth into traffic. He was able to recover and stave off his fall. He continued to ride on, but not before he glared back at me with eyes of hatred as if I intended to kill him. This was the test. I did not feel threatened. I did not feel panic. I did not feel like a victim of his wrath, nor did I feel as though he was a victim of my absent-mindedness. I felt as though it was all meant to happen as it did. I knew the delivery man may feel different, but that no longer mattered either. Suddenly, I was hit with the idea that all our circumstances, all our traumas, all our disappointments, and all of our losses were meant to happen. Subsequently, it was the labelling of them as “bad” that caused the suffering. There was a connection or a lesson for the delivery man and myself. Thus, our lesson should we each choose to learn will affect others. Of course, we are all connected. We are each other’s teachers.
On the last day of the Forgiveness Diet, I recounted the story of the delivery man and spoke of these last five days to a close friend of mine. When I was finished, she turned towards me and loudly asked, “have you lost your effin mind”? I had to agree with her. I have lost some of the heaviness in my thoughts, but I may have actually gained some peace in my mind, too.
For reference and further information:
https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Forgiveness-Revolutionary-Five-Stage-Relationships/dp/1591797640
